The Ring Two

Directed by Hideo Nakata
Written by Ehren Kruger, Hiroshi Takahashi (Ring, 1998), Koji Suzuki (novel)

Before I start, let's clear up some things: Hideo Nakata is the director of the original Japanese Ring and Ring 2, as well as the writer of the original Ring 2 (but not of the first Ring), and though he did not direct the American remake of Ring, he is the director of the American version of The Ring Two (and was apparently fourth choice after Gore Verbinski, Richard Kelly, and forthcoming All Families are Psychotic director Noam Murro all Pasadena'd on the project), which is NOT a remake of the original Ring 2 (he's also been tasked to direct the American remake of the Pang Brothers' The Eye, which I find odd, as well as an American remake of the creepy early '80s The Entity, which could go either way, depending).

Glad I could clear that up for you. Though to a lesser extent than I had with Takashi Shimizu's American remake of The Grudge or George Sluizer's American remake of The Vanishing, the biggest problem I had with The Ring Two was that it unspooled very much as what it in fact was: the outsider's version of what he thinks would cater to the stereotypical American audience. You know, like when your boss buys you a heinous Cosby sweater for the office Secret Santa, or when you're driving with this girl who wants to be your girlfriend but you have no interest in her, and she pops in a tape that she "thought you would like," and it always turns out to be, like, the Cranberries or Veruca Salt or some shit, and you think to yourself, Geez, is this what people think of me?

And that's The Ring Two, in a nutshell: a tape of the Cranberries that you traded with your sister for a bag of cornnuts. Face it, people who are not you just don't get you. Period. No matter how hard they think they've studied you, memorized your past work, the best they can hope to expect is a pat on the back for the effort. More often than not, what they will in fact get is a stunned, perhaps even disgusted, "Geez, is this what people think of me?"

The movie starts how you would expect a sequel to start, with the reintroduction of that whole watch-the-creepy-video-tape-and-Samara's-gonna-kill-you-unless-you-make-a-copy-and-show-it-to-someone-within-seven-days thing but, strangely, the conceit is abandoned right away, and pretty much everything that made the first movie so creepy and weird is suddenly replaced by...I guess a different sort of creepiness. Poor Rachel (Naomi Watts) and young Aidan (creepy David Dorfman) are plagued by, in no particular order, bad dreams, spirit possession, Sissy Spacek, the undramatic deaths of a couple pointless supporting characters, lots of water, and a herd of badly CG'ed deer (wouldn't horses have made more sense, storywise?).

It's almost enough to understand Rachel's climactic supreme sacrifice at the end: poor Samara wants a mother, Rachel decides, and since there are no other viable candidates in the room, Rachel will have to do. Until you realize that it wasn't a sacrifice, but a trick - or was it? Was her trickery completely premeditated, or did she just see an eleventh-hour opportunity and take it? If her action was a simple redemption of the fact that she pretty much doomed humanity at the end of the first movie, then the question is irrelevant - live or die, she had to end the cycle. She, like you or I would, simply chose to live. But then, what's the deal with the final, symbolic act of suicide? It doesn't make sense. The pieces do not add up. This movie is crap.

Okay, so there's no "...OR IS IT !?" ending, though as Rachel tells Aidan that it's finally over, that Samara won't be coming back, I half-expected her to go on to tell him that there will not be another sequel, the well (pun intended) was dry, Dreamworks will not commit to continuing this franchise.

Huh. If you liked the first one, don't waste your time. If you didn't like the first one, don't waste your time. You're better off watching the original (that's the Japanese) Ring. But not the original Ring 2 - now, THAT movie was crap.

Glad I could clear that up for you.

Somebody please hook me up with some Lily Chou-Chou MP3s!