*Constantine

Directed by Francis Lawrence
Written by Kevin Brodbin, Frank Cappello, Jamie Delano (comic), Garth Ennis (comic)

Man it's cold out - 21 degrees, and windy. And I know I'm going to hell already anyway, so I don't feel too scared about the repercussions of what I'm about to say:

Hell doesn't really look all that bad.

But...why are there cars in hell? And palm trees? And the brief view of what we see going on underneath (I guess even hell has an underneath) to me looked a great deal like the classic dance party Zion scene in The Matrix Reloaded.

Okay, I take that back. Hell looks downright awful.

I've never read Hellblazer, though I'm a big fan of the Vertigo brand (geez, listen to me). Apparently the original John Constantine was British, and based physically on Sting. Not so, here, on either count.

John Constantine is not your everyday guy-who-looks-good-in-a-suit. Due to a psychic gift, some bad parenting, and a few questionable life choices, Constantine has now dedicated his life, like most of us, I suppose, to get on God's good graces and secure himself a place in Heaven. Then we find out he's dying, which I think is supposed to be the big driving motivation behind the actions to come, though I don't really see things going any differently either way.

We're taken to Constantine's shithole apartment, which is about four times the size of mine and one bottle of Windex and a free weekend away from being four times nicer. I'm serious! High ceilings, dramatic lighting, and only a pullman kitchen, but did you see the size of that bathroom? The last six Chinese restaurants I've eaten at put together could fit in that bathroom!

The plot, involving an attempt to bring about hell on Earth using the Spear of Destiny (which you will remember from the TNT original movie The Librarian: Quest for the Spear starring Noah Wylie was the spear that killed Jesus, and is rumored to bring it's bearer great power, and don't pretend like you didn't see the TNT original movie The Librarian: Quest for the Spear) didn't make a lot of sense to me the first time around, and I doubt that it would hold up under repeated viewings, though it was actually involving enough to make the kids in the theater stop yakking on their cellies for about an hour. If you want plot, go watch the TNT original movie The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. Constantine is a fun Friday night. Goes good with popcorn. Believe me, you've seen much worse.

The plot also involves several trips to hell. Going to hell involves lots of water. All those bottles of water in that huge apartment makes me think Constantine goes to hell a lot. You'd think he'd be used to it by now.

Casting is good, for the most part - Keanu somewhat redeems himself from the last few Matrix movies ("At least the weather's nice" - classic), and Rachel Weisz is not annoying. Pruitt Taylor Vince, Djimon Hounsou and Tilda Swinton are great, as always, as expected. It was fun watching Gavin Rossdale (or Mr. Gwen Stefani - oh come on, you saw that coming from a mile away) die, and Peter Stormare can now add "Gay Christopher Walken" to his resume. But Shia LaBoeuf - poor guy. Showed such promise in Holes and (to a much lesser extent) The Battle of Shaker Heights, but now seems doomed to play the annoying know-it-all sidekick for the rest of his life.

Constantine was originally to be directed by original video auteur Tarsem Singh, with Nick Cage starring. Tarsem left the production because he refused to work with Nick. I don't know why Nick left. Director Francis Lawrence is also from music video land, though I don't know that I've seen anything that he's done.

Fun movie - I wonder if the book's better.

Trailer watch:

A Scanner Darkly - looks better than I expected (though, School of Rock aside, I tend not to so much get into Linklater's non-walking-around movies). I haven't read this particular PKD, but based on what they reveal of the plot, it looks like there's actually a reason why this movie is animated - I had previously thought that this was just one of those let's-animate-it-for-the-sake-of-animating-it movies. Oh, and a note about the animation here as well as in Waking Life - breathtaking? Groundbreaking? Completely state-of-the-art and unlike anything you have ever seen? It's called rotoscoping, and not only have people been doing it at least since the early 1900s, it's actually much easier than what's referred to as "normal" animation. Yeesh.
Batman Begins - sigh.
The New World - geez, give it a rest already?
Stealth - oh my god, this is the worst movie ever made.
House of Wax - no, THIS is the worst movie ever made.