*Star Wars : Episode III : Revenge of the Sith

Directed by George Lucas
Written by George Lucas

The Ziegfeld, Wednesday night, 12:01 AM, counting down with the rest of them, fighting for my free t-shirt (Fantastic 4), looking at all the guys and the few chicks in costume, makeup, with props. Props. And I’m thinking, who the fuck are these people?

Fanboys (and fangirls). Just like me. Notoriously both the harshest and most forgiving of critics. And I’m here to tell you that everything you have heard about this movie, good and bad, is true, it’s all true. Yes, it’s dark. Yes, it’s sad. Yes, it is pure heartbreak.

All the weird cutesiness, which was always annoying and never appropriate, all the worse here when contrasted with subject matter so, so self-consciously dark.

It’s not a bad movie - quite the contrary. It’s definitely the best of the prequels, and maybe even better than I expected it to be. But it still annoyed me. And, being a fanboy, it annoyed me beyond all reason, beyond all proportion.

The acting isn’t great, but I’m told that the acting in Star Wars was never great, and that’s not why we’re here. I wholly disagree. The acting, when it’s good, always had a naturalistic grace to it, even with dialogue so obviously heinous. Mark, Carrie, Harrison, and Sir Alec all had it. James Earl Jones has it. Samuel L. Jackson has it (though he’s appeared in enough good-bad and bad-bad movies to have it down). Same, Christopher Lee. Ian McDiarmid most definitely has it. Ewan McGregor almost has it, if he could just stop from appearing in physical pain whenever he has to, say, sit down at a 50’s diner on Coruscant and ask for a Jawa Juice. Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, god bless their little acting souls, most definitely do not have it.

And, of course, there are the requisite Episodes IV-VI tie-ins. Okay, the idea of Obi-Wan having spent 17 years on Tatooine possibly communing with Qui-Gon Jinn is admittedly an intriguing thought. But, other than that, seriously, why does it matter that Chewbacca helped save Yoda from the post-Order 66 clones on Kashyyk? Does it add anything to the story that 3P0 was created by Anakin, and that R2 has apparently bore silent witness to all of these events, from Naboo all the way to Endor? Of course not. If anything, it detracts from the overall story. I, for one, loved so much more the idea that Boba Fett was just a gun for hire, not some kid who’s harbored a 20-year grudge against the people who killed his father (or whatever).

Face it, it’s all pandering. Despite George’s insistence that all of these movies were written and fully conceived in his head some 30 years ago, Attack of the Clones and now Return of the Sith very much go down the list of everything the fans cried out for, and against. Fans don’t like Jar Jar – check. Fans like Boba Fett – check. Fans probably like the Sony PSP – check. Fans need more material to justify the importance and relevance of Star Wars to today’s political situation – check. Fans want to see Chewbacca – check. Fans want a “darker” movie, a more violent movie, a PG-13 movie – check, check, and check.

And fans (including this one) love it when Yoda gets all medieval. The biggest cheer of the night comes when Yoda trashes the Imperial Guards.

As much as Sith tries to tie up every single loose end, it still didn’t answer any of the questions raised by Clones, namely who was Jedi Sifodyas, how could he requisition an entire army without anyone else knowing about it, and, most bewildering to me, why NO ONE EVER ASKS WHY. Okay, I could buy that the Jedis would send in the clones (har) as an emergency measure to fight their way out of the trap laid for them on Geonosis (though, at the time that Yoda had flown off to Kamino to check out this army, there was no way of knowing that said trap had been set). What I don’t understand is why no one ever questions the fact that out of nowhere there is this army of clones defending the Republic, an army apparently requisitioned by an impostor pretending to be a Jedi (so “Sifodyas” as known to Lama Su and Taun We is actually Dooku, right?) , let alone the fact that they are all clones of the man hired by Dooku to assassinate a senator, and who is in fact himself being ARMED by the Kaminoans as well (let us not forget that the Kaminoans are not only expert cloners, but apparently expert manufacturers of armor and weapons as well). I mean, seriously, what is up with that?

Rant end.

It’s been said, and I suppose it’s true, I guess, that it’s to George’s credit that there are still some surprises left in this movie. Well, they’re not surprises, actually, though at this point anything that hasn’t already been 100% predicated would be considered a surprise, e.g., that zero-g water show thing is a surprise.

The big surprise is supposed to be, I guess, the fact that Anakin’s final and official turn to the Dark Side happens because he has a vision that Padme’s going to die in childbirth, and thinks the Dark powers will let him prevent this. And the fact that he’s the one who basically ends up killing her is supposed to be, I guess, some grand irony or something (snore).

Anakin’s real turn, everyone knows, happens way back in Clones, with the slaughter of the Sand People (“And not just the men…but the women! And the children, too! They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!” Thank you, thank you very much, next show’s at 11, try the fish, I hear it’s good.).

But it all comes down to the fact that, in Anakin’s eyes, Palpatine is the only one who takes him seriously. I think the audience is supposed to realize that everyone is just too scared of his power to give him too much of it, but no one is ever given nearly enough screen time to convey this, least of all Ewan McGregor, who I think is supposed to feel this most of all. No, what we get is everyone just treating him like a kid, as a “less-than”. They make him a part of the Jedi Council, but will not confer upon him the title of Master, despite the fact that he is at least as powerful a Jedi as…that green chick, you know, the one with the horns (George misses a golden opportunity to flesh out some of these Jedis, actually making their deaths tragic rather than simply telling us that their deaths are tragic. But, a good story is not something I should be expecting from a Star Wars movie, I am told).

Anyone who’s seen Clone Wars knows that Anakin is allowed to cut off his braid without even having to go through the Trials – geez, kid, what more do you want??

So I guess Anakin’s turn to the Dark is more interesting here than his turn in Clones. I mean, it all comes down to his thinking that no one takes him seriously, which I think may be rooted in his thinking that he really isn’t helping out as much as he could be, or should be – a trait not terribly unsubtly (though for the very first time, and completely out of nowhere) showing up in the opening dogfight (which, incidentally, is spectacular). In Clones, Anakin comes off as a petulant kid raging that he should get the big lolly if he wants the big lolly, whereas in Sith he just wants to be respected as an equal. I guess.

The visuals in Sith are amazing. The fight scenes are appropriately grand. General Grievous is set up to be much more of a bad-ass than his short screen time allows, and the importance of the fact that his innards are partly organic was completely lost on me, and probably to George himself. The multi-layered lightsaber battle was excellent – some claim that it goes on for too long, I like to think that its length makes up for the 20-second lightsaber battle in Clones (Fans thought the light saber duel in Clones was too short – check).

So, in the end, does any of it pay off, really?

First of all, you’re not going to see or not see this movie based on what people are going to tell you about it. If you’re a fan, of course you’re going to see it. If you’re not a fan, you already know you’re going to hate it, so why would you even go? If you really have a free night and $10.75 (thank you very much, Regal Cinemas – hey, I didn’t hear that this was going to be a very special season of Joey, could you possibly turn up the volume on these commercials ANY LOUDER? Asses.) just laying around like that, I recommend you pick up a couple issues of Finder or Global Frequency. Unless you’re here because you’re dating a Star Wars fan, in which case, hey, good luck with that. I recommend that you check out my review of Fever Pitch (though not the movie itself).

Anyway, as I was saying, in the end, does any of it pay off, really? Let me put it to you this way: I doubt that even the great Sir Alec Guinness could have pulled off the word “younglings” with a straight face.

CG Temeura Morrison – creepy.
CG Peter Cushing – creepier.
Jimmy Smits in a flying ’57 Johnny Lightning – just plain weird. Cherry, but weird.