December Home Video Roundup
December began with promise, but.... Ask me about it sometime. Anyways, happy new year and stuff.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (dir. Doug Liman, wr. Simon Kinberg) - Avoided this like the plague in the theaters. Was so frakking sick of...lords of Cobol forgive me...Brangelina, that I said, Fie! None of this! Screw that noise!
After a few months had gone by, I finally calmed down a bit and decided what they hey, let's give it a spin. And guess what? It wasn't that bad. Kinda fun, in fact. Brad and Angelina have definite chemistry, and there are plenty of fun chases and shootouts and such. We're in definite popcorn territory here, but...all together now...you've seen worse.
Amusing post-script: Angelina sent me a nice basket with a note asking (not begging, mind you, as Angelina begs to no one) for forgiveness. How could I not? Even if the oranges were Valencia. Just saying.
Fantastic Four (dir. Tim Story, wr. Mark Frost, Michael France, Stan Lee (comic), Jack Kirby (comic)) - Another avoid-at-all-costs movie that I finally decided to give a chance. Now, I've never read an FF book in my life -- all I knew of it was anecdotal stuff and half-remembered details from the 60s and 80s cartoon series (there was a stretchy guy, right? And some rock dude? And they wear blue, right?) Everyone everywhere was saying how bad this movie was. The ONE person who told me that it was alright was, ironically, a co-worker who is like the biggest Fantastic Four comic fan on earth. Confusing.
Completely unrelated story: I had gotten a free Fantastic Four t-shirt at the Episode III premiere a while back, and one day I was wearing it in the elevator when some guy gets on, sees the shirt and asks me if the movie's any good. I have to confess that I hadn't seen it yet. And then for the next 35 floors I had to hear him talk about, "That Jessica Alba, man, she is so hot. And she's hot because she's so small, you know? Like, tiny. That's when they're hot. When they get a little older, they fill out a little more, get a little bigger, and then they stop being hot, you know? Like that Jaime Pressley. Or that other girl, Jessica Biehl? They were so hot when they were younger, but now they're kinda built, so I don't like them anymore. But that Jessica Alba, she's tiny. Man, she is so hot."
You should all be thanking your personal god that you don't live in that building (unless you do, in which case, hey, it's a nice building, at least).
Anyway, saw the movie (and got the t-shirt ha ha), and it wasn't bad. Lots of good New York shots. Effects weren't terrible. I don't know that they really captured the essence of what the FF are all about in the books, character- and story-wise, but as a standalone, Friday night thing, it's actually a pretty fun movie. Watching (tiny) Jessica Alba trying to be, like, some nuclear astronaut or whatever's a trip, though. (Hey, remember Denise Richards in Tomorrow Never Dies?)
Happy Endings (dir. Don Roos, wr. Don Roos) - Christ, I am so over these the-loosely-interconnected-lives-of-four-hundred-people-living-in-such-and-such-city-(usually-Los-Angeles) movies. I loooved Don Roos' The Opposite of Sex way back in the day, but nothing he's done since then (and, as I later discovered, nothing he's done before). Here he makes all the same obvious observations about life and family and relationships and trust and betrayal and the irreversibility of things typical of your run-of-the-mill the-loosely-interconnected-lives-of-four-hundred-people-living-in-such-and-such-city-(usually-Los-Angeles) movie, hereafter known as the ROTMTLILOFHPLISASC(ULA) movie. There's a way to make these movies work. Don't just throw in random details that sound important but are ignored for the rest of the movie. Make the movie about the characters, not about the events (or, more to the point, how clever you are in linking all these events). Happy Endings is no Nashville, or Shortcuts or Magnolia, or even You and Me and Everyone We Know.
I almost saw this movie for free at a preview screening many months ago, ticket received through an organization with which I occasionally volunteer. But, they over-"sold" the screening and I couldn't get in. By way of apology, I received a Happy Endings notebook featuring the poster for the film, with a pat-the-bunny-esque fuzzy patch where the towel is, as well as one free pass to any movie showing at a Clearview Cinema (blackout dates apply). The pass is still in my wallet. Anyone want a notebook?
Roll Bounce (dir. Malcolm D. Lee, wr. Norman Vance, Jr.) - Loved it loved it loved it. If you've seen the trailer, you know exactly what you're getting (unless, like me, you actually said out loud, Ohmigod, it's the gay black Lords of Dogtown). A very sweet, fun, funny, coming-of-age story set in the suburbs in 70s, when disco-funk was king, roller rinks were the shit, and...okay, it's a tiny bit before my time, as the only roller skating I was doing in the '70s was in the driveway and the garage, where my brothers, cousins, and a few of the loserish-er neighborhood kids had set up our own makeshift roller rink, complete with baby ghetto blaster playing a cassette of the Xandu soundtrack, and...well, that was about it (we were very easily entertained, apparently). It didn't take much to entertain us in those days. The kids in Roll Bounce, even the loser kids, are much cooler than we ever were. That makes me sad. Rent it.
The Polar Express (dir. Robert Zemekis, wr. Chris Van Allsburg (book), Robert Zemekis, William Broyles, Jr.) - I only rented this because I kept getting $3-off coupons with my Peanut Butter Crunch, and for some reason it made me wonder if, should I someday wind up seeing this movie on a plane or something and end up liking it, I would one day regret not taking this valuable limited-time offer of owning this video for, you know, $3 off. Turns out, of course, that I need not have worried.
Because of the title, and because there was a picture of a big steam engine on the poster, I thought it might have something to do with the glorious Galaxy Express 999 (okay, so that last Maetel movie thing sucked, but the first 999 movie and its sequel, Adieu, Galaxy Express 999 were pure genius), but...actually, I'm still not sure. Maybe the connection is the key to understanding this film.
The Polar Express, far as I can tell, is about this weird race of gangly, spastic zombie-children who live in a weird, sort of plasticine version of our world. Apparently, in this world, one need only utter the magic words "I don't believe in Santa Claus" to summon, almost Beetle Juice-like, a kind of ghost-train with a conductor who sort of emotionally blackmails these children into allowing themselves to be kidnapped to the North Pole, where they get to see Santa Claus for themselves and learn the error of their ways before being sent back to their homes, young minds properly rehabilitated.
Here's where the 999 connection comes in (I think). In 999, the train took people from Earth to the mechanized world so that they could give their souls over to the machines and become robots themselves. Zombies, as it were. So while The Polar Express begins as a sort of an anti-999 in that it is picking up people who are already zombies and taking them on a long trip, you would think that this trip would lead to a place where they, if the analogy holds, would be turned back into human beings, dig? But The Polar Express instead leads them to a place where the zombies become, if anything, even more zombified than before. It's an odd relationship, and one that, I confess, I have not yet completely been able to wrap my mind around. Like, what is The Polar Express about, really?
If I've somehow made this movie sound more interesting than it is, I apologize -- trust me, it's not. What we have here is a "kid's movie" in the truest sense of the term. Ever had to sit through one of those horrible little school plays written by 8-year-olds? Characters appear out of nowhere, say one or two things, then disappear, forever. Completely non-sensical sideplots are introduced, go nowhere, and similarly disappear. There is a half-assed attempt at some lame, obvious moralizing (in this case, it's that poor people are human beings, too -- who knew?). Someone sings a song, for absolutely no reason.
And have you ever had one of those moments where, no matter how much you hate an actor, you see them doing something that just makes you feel so much worse for them than you ever have for any other human being? Hearing Tom Hanks singing the "hot chocolate song" is one of those moments.
There's an audience for a movie like this, somewhere (I believe it did reasonably well, box-office-wise), though I haven't been able to figure out who it could be. Obviously made by kids for kids, yet I would think the kids themselves would be too frightened by all the zombies. So...zombie movie fans? Or possibly all those closet masochists who just can't resist...and I promised myself I wouldn't say this, but what the hey...a trainwreck.
Alls I know is, last time a hobo on a train yelled at me to "grab his muck stick", it certainly didn't end as happily as this.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (dir. Doug Liman, wr. Simon Kinberg) - Avoided this like the plague in the theaters. Was so frakking sick of...lords of Cobol forgive me...Brangelina, that I said, Fie! None of this! Screw that noise!After a few months had gone by, I finally calmed down a bit and decided what they hey, let's give it a spin. And guess what? It wasn't that bad. Kinda fun, in fact. Brad and Angelina have definite chemistry, and there are plenty of fun chases and shootouts and such. We're in definite popcorn territory here, but...all together now...you've seen worse.
Amusing post-script: Angelina sent me a nice basket with a note asking (not begging, mind you, as Angelina begs to no one) for forgiveness. How could I not? Even if the oranges were Valencia. Just saying.
Fantastic Four (dir. Tim Story, wr. Mark Frost, Michael France, Stan Lee (comic), Jack Kirby (comic)) - Another avoid-at-all-costs movie that I finally decided to give a chance. Now, I've never read an FF book in my life -- all I knew of it was anecdotal stuff and half-remembered details from the 60s and 80s cartoon series (there was a stretchy guy, right? And some rock dude? And they wear blue, right?) Everyone everywhere was saying how bad this movie was. The ONE person who told me that it was alright was, ironically, a co-worker who is like the biggest Fantastic Four comic fan on earth. Confusing.Completely unrelated story: I had gotten a free Fantastic Four t-shirt at the Episode III premiere a while back, and one day I was wearing it in the elevator when some guy gets on, sees the shirt and asks me if the movie's any good. I have to confess that I hadn't seen it yet. And then for the next 35 floors I had to hear him talk about, "That Jessica Alba, man, she is so hot. And she's hot because she's so small, you know? Like, tiny. That's when they're hot. When they get a little older, they fill out a little more, get a little bigger, and then they stop being hot, you know? Like that Jaime Pressley. Or that other girl, Jessica Biehl? They were so hot when they were younger, but now they're kinda built, so I don't like them anymore. But that Jessica Alba, she's tiny. Man, she is so hot."
You should all be thanking your personal god that you don't live in that building (unless you do, in which case, hey, it's a nice building, at least).
Anyway, saw the movie (and got the t-shirt ha ha), and it wasn't bad. Lots of good New York shots. Effects weren't terrible. I don't know that they really captured the essence of what the FF are all about in the books, character- and story-wise, but as a standalone, Friday night thing, it's actually a pretty fun movie. Watching (tiny) Jessica Alba trying to be, like, some nuclear astronaut or whatever's a trip, though. (Hey, remember Denise Richards in Tomorrow Never Dies?)
Happy Endings (dir. Don Roos, wr. Don Roos) - Christ, I am so over these the-loosely-interconnected-lives-of-four-hundred-people-living-in-such-and-such-city-(usually-Los-Angeles) movies. I loooved Don Roos' The Opposite of Sex way back in the day, but nothing he's done since then (and, as I later discovered, nothing he's done before). Here he makes all the same obvious observations about life and family and relationships and trust and betrayal and the irreversibility of things typical of your run-of-the-mill the-loosely-interconnected-lives-of-four-hundred-people-living-in-such-and-such-city-(usually-Los-Angeles) movie, hereafter known as the ROTMTLILOFHPLISASC(ULA) movie. There's a way to make these movies work. Don't just throw in random details that sound important but are ignored for the rest of the movie. Make the movie about the characters, not about the events (or, more to the point, how clever you are in linking all these events). Happy Endings is no Nashville, or Shortcuts or Magnolia, or even You and Me and Everyone We Know.I almost saw this movie for free at a preview screening many months ago, ticket received through an organization with which I occasionally volunteer. But, they over-"sold" the screening and I couldn't get in. By way of apology, I received a Happy Endings notebook featuring the poster for the film, with a pat-the-bunny-esque fuzzy patch where the towel is, as well as one free pass to any movie showing at a Clearview Cinema (blackout dates apply). The pass is still in my wallet. Anyone want a notebook?
Roll Bounce (dir. Malcolm D. Lee, wr. Norman Vance, Jr.) - Loved it loved it loved it. If you've seen the trailer, you know exactly what you're getting (unless, like me, you actually said out loud, Ohmigod, it's the gay black Lords of Dogtown). A very sweet, fun, funny, coming-of-age story set in the suburbs in 70s, when disco-funk was king, roller rinks were the shit, and...okay, it's a tiny bit before my time, as the only roller skating I was doing in the '70s was in the driveway and the garage, where my brothers, cousins, and a few of the loserish-er neighborhood kids had set up our own makeshift roller rink, complete with baby ghetto blaster playing a cassette of the Xandu soundtrack, and...well, that was about it (we were very easily entertained, apparently). It didn't take much to entertain us in those days. The kids in Roll Bounce, even the loser kids, are much cooler than we ever were. That makes me sad. Rent it.
The Polar Express (dir. Robert Zemekis, wr. Chris Van Allsburg (book), Robert Zemekis, William Broyles, Jr.) - I only rented this because I kept getting $3-off coupons with my Peanut Butter Crunch, and for some reason it made me wonder if, should I someday wind up seeing this movie on a plane or something and end up liking it, I would one day regret not taking this valuable limited-time offer of owning this video for, you know, $3 off. Turns out, of course, that I need not have worried.Because of the title, and because there was a picture of a big steam engine on the poster, I thought it might have something to do with the glorious Galaxy Express 999 (okay, so that last Maetel movie thing sucked, but the first 999 movie and its sequel, Adieu, Galaxy Express 999 were pure genius), but...actually, I'm still not sure. Maybe the connection is the key to understanding this film.
The Polar Express, far as I can tell, is about this weird race of gangly, spastic zombie-children who live in a weird, sort of plasticine version of our world. Apparently, in this world, one need only utter the magic words "I don't believe in Santa Claus" to summon, almost Beetle Juice-like, a kind of ghost-train with a conductor who sort of emotionally blackmails these children into allowing themselves to be kidnapped to the North Pole, where they get to see Santa Claus for themselves and learn the error of their ways before being sent back to their homes, young minds properly rehabilitated.
Here's where the 999 connection comes in (I think). In 999, the train took people from Earth to the mechanized world so that they could give their souls over to the machines and become robots themselves. Zombies, as it were. So while The Polar Express begins as a sort of an anti-999 in that it is picking up people who are already zombies and taking them on a long trip, you would think that this trip would lead to a place where they, if the analogy holds, would be turned back into human beings, dig? But The Polar Express instead leads them to a place where the zombies become, if anything, even more zombified than before. It's an odd relationship, and one that, I confess, I have not yet completely been able to wrap my mind around. Like, what is The Polar Express about, really?
If I've somehow made this movie sound more interesting than it is, I apologize -- trust me, it's not. What we have here is a "kid's movie" in the truest sense of the term. Ever had to sit through one of those horrible little school plays written by 8-year-olds? Characters appear out of nowhere, say one or two things, then disappear, forever. Completely non-sensical sideplots are introduced, go nowhere, and similarly disappear. There is a half-assed attempt at some lame, obvious moralizing (in this case, it's that poor people are human beings, too -- who knew?). Someone sings a song, for absolutely no reason.
And have you ever had one of those moments where, no matter how much you hate an actor, you see them doing something that just makes you feel so much worse for them than you ever have for any other human being? Hearing Tom Hanks singing the "hot chocolate song" is one of those moments.
There's an audience for a movie like this, somewhere (I believe it did reasonably well, box-office-wise), though I haven't been able to figure out who it could be. Obviously made by kids for kids, yet I would think the kids themselves would be too frightened by all the zombies. So...zombie movie fans? Or possibly all those closet masochists who just can't resist...and I promised myself I wouldn't say this, but what the hey...a trainwreck.
Alls I know is, last time a hobo on a train yelled at me to "grab his muck stick", it certainly didn't end as happily as this.
posted by mike. at 6:44 PM
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